Finding Real Connection Again In Midlife.

The Friendship Shift

Maybe you don't need more people in your circle, perhaps you just need ones that actually know you. There is a wild thing that can happen midlife. You can know plenty of people yet still somehow feel lonely. Your phone has a lot of contacts. You have people you invite for dinners, there are old friends you exchange birthday texts with, and yet...

Who would you actually call if you needed to say, I'm having a really hard day, I don't need you to fix it. I just don't want to sit in it alone. Who knows what you're dreaming about now? Who knows what your biggest fears are? Who knows the person you've become? Not the person you were 15 years ago.

Somewhere in the middle of building our lives, we have seemed to stop building relationships that truly mattered.

Not intentionally, we were busy.

When Friendship Used To Happened Automatically

Think about how we used to make friends when we were younger. We simply kept showing up in the same places. School, sports, play groungds, first jobs, college etc. We saw the same people over and over again. Acquaintances became friends and friends became those who know your whole story.

Then adulthood became more complicated. Careers became more demanding, children needed all of your attention, maybe your parents needed more care. Relationships changed. People moved, some friendships quietly disappeared, others remained but turned back into only acquaintances.

Even the friendships we love can become logistical.

We should get together, absolutely, how does October sound? And suddenly you realize you live 12 minutes apart and haven't sat across from each other in over 8 months.

The problem isn't necessarily that we've forgotten how to connect. We stopped creating the conditions where connection can happen. We seem to have more contact than ever, but way less actual connection to one another.

We live in an extraordinary time for staying in touch, we see their vacation, their son graduating. We see their kitchen reno and their daughter getting married.

But knowing about someone isn't the same thing as knowing someone.

A heart under their post can be lovely. But it can never replace: "Come on over, I will put the kettle on." or "I really want to know what keeps you excited these day"

I really believe the world is longing for real connection like never before. We have become so disconnected from what truly matters.

Midlife gives us an unexpected opportunity.

Here is the most beautiful part of getting older. We know more now. We know which conversations leave us feeling alive, and which ones leave us feeling exhausted. We know we don't need a huge circle of friends, we know chemistry isn't the same as compatibility. And, hopefully we are begining to understand that relationships don't need to be all rainbows and butterflies to be meaningful.

Perhaps your circle gets smaller, but it is way more in depth. This chapter of life gives us the opportunity to stop collecting acquaintances and begin cultivating relationships. Cultivating is the perfect word because real friendships rarely arrive full grown, they need tending.

Stop waiting to be invited.

This may be the hardest one for a lot of people. At some point, someone has to go first, someone has to send the text, someone has to be the one to say "I'm making soup, I would love for you to come over." Someone has to admit, I've been feeling like I need more real connection in my life lately.

That vulnerability can feel enormous. What if you're the only one craving something deeper?

Lately I've started wondering how many people are sitting in their homes wondering this exact same thing. Waiting for someone else to go first.

Be the person who goes first.

Make the invitation smaller.

I believe this is due to our conditioning of social media, we have made the gathering to complicated. We think inviting people over requires the bells and whistles. Impressive food, matching dishes, and enough notice for everyone to reorganize their lives.

But what if it didn't?

Coffee on the porch. A walk after dinner. A Saturday morning farmers market. Tea in the greenhouse. The easier we make a gathering, the more often we could do it.

Also, frequency matters. Relationships are built in ordinary repetition far more often than extraordinary occasions.

Ask better questions.

Sometimes what we are missing isn't people, it's conversation that can build spirit, feel heard and truly understand someone.

We can spend hours chatting about work, kids, weather, news and leave knowing nothing about how someone is actually doing.

Try going a layer deeper than surface conversation, ask what they have been excited about lately. Ask what is difficult for them this season. Ask what they miss some days, and what dreams fuel their excitement. You don't need to turn every get together into a therapy session, but you do need that one important skill, and that is listening. Actually listen to them. The other very important skill we all need to work on is making room for honesty. We need to let them know about us.

We often say we want more connection and deeper conversations, but if we aren't willing to open up then we will never truly be seen.

I'm good, everything is fine, nothing new, busy but good. This kind of conversation keeps us in this continual loop of low frequency friendships that will always feel shallow and empty. This doesn't mean telling everyone everything or if we aren't comfortable talking about a certain aspect of our lives. It means giving the right people access to something real.

Create rituals around your relationships

We tend to treat connection as something we'll squeeze in when life becomes less busy. Well I hate to shock you, but life rarely becomes less busy. So its up to you to create something recurring. The first Sunday of every month, Friday evening walks, a seasonal dinner, coffee every second Wednesday. Nothing elaborate, just something that says "we are going to keep showing up for each other."

The goal for me in midlife is not to create the enormous circle of friends I once had, it is to create something so much better with the handful of people who knows when I am not myself, who celebrate my strange new ideas and goals, the people who don't need to be impressed by me.

Somewhere along this crazy road, we need to be equally intentional about building our relationships and connections as we were about building our lives. In midlife many of our roles that consumed us quietly disappear and we will be so grateful for the connections that really matter to us.

So send the text, make the soup, ask the deeper questions and stop waiting for someone else to create the kind of community you are longing for.

The way back to real connection is surprisingly simple....just go first.

If something in this article felt a little too familiar, If you realized you're craving deeper friendships, more honest conversations or simply people who truly know you, there may be something else under that longing.

Sometimes we aren't only missing connection with others. We are missing that connection within ourselves.

From Empty to Enough was created for exactly this season in your life.

It is a guided reconnection workbook for women who have spent years being needed, capable and useful to everyone around them and are ready to as what they need now.

Inside we look at what's missing, make space for the grief that comes with changing roles and seasons, explore what meaningful connection actually looks like, build your enough circle and begin creating the kind of gatherings, relationships and everyday experiences that make life feel full again.

Explore From Empty to Enough